When There Are No Tears Left
I cried when I heard the words, "There is no heartbeat."
I cried when I saw and held my beautiful sleeping daughter.
I cried when I handed her back to the nurse knowing that I would never see her again.
I cried when I left the hospital empty handed.
I cried when I got back home and everything had been removed like she never existed at all.
I cried at during her funeral.
I cried as I walked away, looking back at them lowering the tiniest casket into the ground.
I cried myself to sleep every single night for nearly two years.
I didn't really cry again until 2020 when I began writing my book, Stillborn Still Loved, when I ripped myself wide open to be able to provide a book for grieving parents.
As I sit here this morning, it crossed my mind that I don't really cry anymore. I have had tears of joy and I have cried with others when they share their pain and their babies with me. I have had tears fall from frustration.
But to cry about something sad for me, well...it doesn't really happen anymore.
I got to thinking about why. I'm not a heartless person. I'm not immune to being sad or heart broken.
I've come to the conclusion that I cried enough to cover an entire lifetime in just a couple of years. I've felt so much hurt that not much more can hurt me anymore.
As I was sitting here, I suddenly remembered that I had written a poem years ago. As a writer, I don't always dissect my poems right away. I will get the urge to write and will just start writing and then put the poem aside. It's always amazing to me that when I reflect on old poems, I realize that I knew something before I actually realized it. It's a strange sensation. It makes me realize that the unknown isn't really unknown. It's just perceptions evolving. I have put the poem at the bottom of this post. I hope you know that you are not alone. Whether you cry every day or you're like me and has a hard time crying. It's completely normal.
There’s not much that can hurt me,
you see I’ve had the ultimate pain,
I’ve experienced the joy of life,
And it ending again and again.
I’ve felt hope with it violently ripped away,
I’ve felt faith and wishing it could stay.
I’ve felt excitement for a brand new life,
I’ve felt innocence thinking I knew it was alright,
Ive felt laughter over names,
I’ve been giddy with delight as I plan out a nursery that ended up empty day and night.
I’ve seen my body grow and create precious life,
I’ve felt love with no end in sight.
And it’s a bittersweet feeling,
Knowing I’ve felt the worse pain,
Knowing nothing much more could succeed it,
Knowing that love isn’t lacking,
That I could be it.
There’s not much others can do,
To truly break me,
There’s not much others can do
To rob me of something.
Because I’ve known both life
and death within my own body.
Sending love and positive energy,