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I know.
I know that it may not make sense to some people, but a large majority of ones in the loss community totally get it.
When I lost Laurelai, I didn't just lose my baby. I lost my sense of peace. I lost her future. I lost so much with her little life ending.
My pregnancies after her were filled with extreme anxiety and fear. Nothing is certain in this life and that is one of the hard lessons I learned when Laurelai died. I knew that my babies could die at any point. That just because I got pregnant, that didn't mean I would be bringing home a baby.
When I brought my rainbow babies home, I was filled with so much love and joy. I was also filled with dread. People assumed that having a living baby would somehow magically cure my grief.
It didn't.
It only complicated it more.
I look at my daughters and I see love and life. But you want to know what I also see? Death.
I see them growing up and it's beautiful, but it also triggers me at times.
I look at my 5 month old baby girl and think of how precious she is and then tears fall down my face because I never got to see Laurelai like this.
I look at my 7 year old daughter running around and laughing, and I think how wonderful it is but then find myself sad because Laurelai will never get the chance to do it.
I see my daughters and see Laurelai. I see what is and what could have been.
I initially had a tremendous amount of guilt when I fully realized what was happening when I would get triggered. I thought to myself, "what is wrong with you!?" and told myself to be grateful.
And I realized that I am grateful and that's what triggers me. The gratitude that I have for my sweet living children that I will never be able to experience with Laurelai.
My grief lives with me every day. It's impacted my life on so many levels and I have to remind myself that it's okay to feel the way that I do. I have to remind myself that I am not alone in this.
And I want you to know that you are not alone either.
-Sending love and positive energy
Hailey Ricks
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